AH#5 - The Heist Movie Awards (hosted by Ving Rhames)

THE HEIST MOVIE AWARDS

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Image: Bryan Bedder, Getty Images from dailynews.com

OK, this week we are going to step away from the nitty-gritty of the craft to let our hair down a bit.

The following is our Heist awards show which, for very obvious reasons I’ve decided is going to be hosted by Ving Rhames so please be sure to read this entire post in his voice so that you get the right affect.

This was pretty much a running stream of consciousness that I kept on my iPhone notes app during the heist marathon that was paternity leave, December 2019.

And now without further ado, Ving, please take it away.

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Ving: Thank you very much, and thank you everybody for attending the first annual Heist Movie Awards show. I’m not entirely certain why we’ve done this or why I’m here.

With that said, I’m pleased to be here tonight. We have 48 awards to give out so without further ado, the envelope please…

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1. Best Overall: Ocean’s 11 (2001)

   1. Best Comedic: Ocean’s 11 (2001)

   2. Best Dramatic: Inception (2010)

2. Most Obviously Going to Die: that 4th guy in Three Kings (1999) who was hanging around for most of the movie with George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, and Ice Cube

3. Most Accurate Title: Man On A Ledge (2012)

4. Best Pig On A Ledge: Miss Piggy in The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

5. Best Twist: The Usual Suspects (1995)

6. Most Not Sure The 2nd Time You Watch It If It Was Actually A Great Movie Or Just A Great Twist: The Usual Suspects (1995)

7. Funniest: Bill Murray’s Quick Change (1990)

8. Best Commitment To A Role: Daniel Craig’s gut in Logan Lucky (2017)

9. Best MacGyver Moment: Using a magnet from inside a locked closet to drag a key hanging on the outside across the wall and retrieve it from the gap at the bottom of the door in How To Steal A Million (1966)

10. Best Luck: Peter O'Toole - being locked in closet with Audrey Hepburn in How To Steal A Million (1966)

11. Best Cat-Meets-Mouse Scene: De Niro and Pacino having coffee in the diner in Heat (1995)

12. Best Cultural Moment: The Turkish male oil wrestling competition in Top Kapi (1964)

13. Best Not-tough, Tough Guy: Adrien Brody in American Heist (2012)

14. Most Creative Heist Target: Planting ideas in people’s dreams in Inception (2010)

15. Best CGI: Inception (2010)

16. Best Pretend To Be A Hostage Scenario: Quick Change (1990)

17. Best Pretend To Be A Hostage Scenario Runner-Up: Dressing everybody up in the same clothes in Inside Man (2006)

18. Most Killing: Heat (1995)

19. Best Realistic Car Chase: Ronin (1998)

20. Best Fake Car Chase: The Italian Job (original) (1969)

21. Most Oddly Gratifying Scene: Cars being pushed over a cliff and rolling down the Italian alps in The Italian Job (original) (1969)

22. Best Nickname For A Movie: ‘The Wet Western’ aka Point Break (1991)

23. Hottest Bod: Patrick Swayze, Point Break (1991)

24. Most Likely A Master Criminal In Real Life: Sean Connery, Entrapment (1999)

25. Best Wingman For A Heist and Best Awards Show Host: Ving Rhames (Entrapment, Out Of Sight, and he’s in all those Mission Impossible’s)

26. Most Popular City To Rob In: New York, 6x [The Thomas Crown Affair (1999), Quick Change  (1990), Inside Man (2006), Man On A Ledge (2012), The Thomas Crown Affair (original) (1968), Dog Day Afternoon (1974)]

27. Most Popular City To Rob In Runner-up: Los Angeles, 5x [The Usual Suspects (1995), Heat(1995), Point Break (1990), Reservoir Dogs (1992), Jackie Brown (1997)]

28. Best First Heist Movie Ever Made: The Great Train Robbery (1903)

29. Shortest Heist Movie Ever Made: The Great Train Robbery (1903), 12 minutes

30. Worst Heist Movie Ever Made: The Great Train Robbery (1903), just kidding, c’mon give ‘em some credit, it was 1903, that was epic for back then.

31. Best Practice Heist: Luke And Owen Wilson rob Owen Wilson’s parents’ house in Bottle Rocket (1996)

32. Best Laser Avoidance Scene: The Night Fox’s (Vincent Cassel’s) capoeira routine to dance his way through the moving laser field in Ocean’s 12 (2004)

33. 2nd Best Laser Avoidance Scene: Cathera Zeta-Jones uses a precision, memorized yoga routine to make her way through a stationary laser field that she can’t see in Entrapment (1999)

34. Probably The First  Ever Laser Avoidance Scene: Anthony Caruso just crawls under the laser in Asphalt Jungle (1950)

35. Best Use Of Chewing Gum: Catherine Zeta-Jones deploys her bubble gum to hold the pressure switch under the mask in Entrapment (1999)

36. Best Acrobatic Sequence: Gilles Ségal’s being lowered down from the ceiling of the Topkapi palace in Topkapi (1964)

37. Best Musical Sequence By An Ensemble: Miss Piggy & ensemble, ‘The First Time It Happens’ in The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

38. Best Heist Musical: The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

39. Only Heist Musical: The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

40. Things We Need More Of: Heist Musicals

41. The Original Scary Heist Mask: Sterling Hayden’s clown mask in The Killing (1956)

42. Other Notable Masks:

    1. The black and white face paint in Dead Presidents

    2. The dead presidents in Point Break (1990)

    3. The nuns in The Town (2010)

    4. Bill Murray’s clown costume in Quick Change (1990)

    5. The Groucho Marx fake nose and moustaches in The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

43. Best Dressed: Paul Newman & Robert Redford in The Sting  (1973)

44.  Most Wasted Use Of A Cultural Icon: The entire final robbery sequence at Fenway Park in The Town (2010) which takes place entirely in the parking garage underneath the stadium in the middle of the day when there is no game going on.

45. Biggest Delta Between Best And Worst Appearances: George Clooney in Ocean’s 11 (rank #1-of-41) and Three Kings (#40)

46. Best Movie I Couldn’t Watch Because I Couldn’t Find It Streaming Anywhere So I Bought The DVD On Amazon But Still Haven’t Found A DVD Player: Rififi (1955)

47. Another Good Movie That Was Not Included Because It Wasn’t Streaming Yet Until Paterntiy Leave Was Over: Ocean’s 8 (2018)

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48. Favorite line: The Great Muppet Caper (1981). Kermit, Fozzy, & Gonzo are checking into the happiness hotel:

Innkeeper: Hey, how you guys fixing to pay?

Kermit: What are our choices?

Innkeeper: ‘A’ credit card, ‘B’ cash, ‘C’ sneak out in the middle of the night.

Fozzy: We’ll take ‘C’.

Innkeeper: Verrry popular choice

GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!!!

Pops from muppetmania.fandom.com/wiki/Pops

Image: The Jim Henson Company

The LIST

The 41 films conducted during the research project (full explanation here)

GET THE PDF

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Have some thoughts? Feel free to drop a comment or hit me up: charlie@charleskunken.com

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